January 13, 2008

God can be pretty darn aggravating at times. I’ve been through some rough times lately and wondered how to make a life for myself now that most of the constraints are gone. Through it all I’ve wondered where the line is between “God helps those who help themselves” and “Lay your cares on the Lord.”

The guy who owed me a bunch of money kind of shafted me, but then came around with a short term fix that at least got the weight off my shoulders for a little while. Then he shocked me by offering me a sales job.

I have never considered myself a salesperson. When I was in college I tried selling encyclopedias. When a shotgun got shoved into my nose, I decided that was not the career for me.

After a life in a technical field, I was making a little (too little) money in a related area, which is how I got into this situation. Well, okay, there were some other contributing factors.

It seemed that this guy was going out of his way to make this work for me, offering incentives I don’t think he would offer another candidate.

Meanwhile, I had talked to a few friends, all of whom thought it was a good chance for me. Pamela had to offer up one of her recent catch phrases, “If you want what you’ve never had, you have to do what you’ve never done.”

After doing some investigating, I was sort of leaning towards trying this, but still had some reservations.

A few days ago, I was led into a Biblical reference (Luke 5:1-11) in which Peter and his partners had been out fishing all night without catching a thing. They were tired and beaten down. Jesus told them to do something they hadn’t done. They did, and received something they hadn’t gotten – more fish than they could handle. This has been popping into my mind for the last few days.

So, I’ve been asking God for some kind of confirmation, despite what my friends have been saying.

This morning, I was also reminded of another story. It had been raining hard and an area was being evacuated ahead of an impending flood. A devout believer decided to put his trust in God, so when the truck came by, he sent it on its way. Later, after he had retreated to the upper deck, a helicopter came by and he waved it off saying that he trusted in God. Finally, as he was sitting atop his house, a boat came by. Again, he professed his faith in God and sent it away. As he prayed to God for help, the voice came down, “What do you want? I sent you a truck, helicopter, and boat.”

So, finally I am reminded of Peter when he was led by Jesus to step from the boat and walk on the water. (Matthew 14:25-33) “’You of little faith,’ he said, ‘why did you doubt?’”

Sometimes a blind leap of faith is what is needed.

God sure can be aggravating some times.

November 30, 2008

Well, once again my hopes have been dashed. A guy had written me from my Yahoo Personals ad. He told me of his open-mindedness and his adventurous spirit. He even had set up a date. But once I told him of my situation, he took back his offer with "I cannot date a transsexual." I fear that I shall never find love again.

October 9, 2008

I guess it was from having to deal with Mom's schedule, but I have not slept more than six hours at a time in years. But I slept like a baby last night. And actually went the full eight hours! I felt really great.

When Donna came to get me (now in jeans to fit in better), we went to a small cafe in Mapleton. It was run by two of Larry's relatives. Chickie was the cook; I could see her but didn't get to meet her. Bonnie was the waitress and Ducky introduced me to her. Here was another place that I got no Looks. We were near the rest rooms, and a guy came out and saw me. He looked at me, but it was "All right! A fresh girl in town." Certainly Bonnie, who was very close to me, treated me just like any other girl in the place.

When we got back to Donna's home, one of her daughters, Tabby, came over. She didn't stay very long, but did take a picture of me and Donna and Mom together. I didn't really think much about it at the time.

Hailey started getting in my lap. For those who don't know me, I've never been good with kids, but recently I've noticed myself being drawn to them - especially the babies at church. It felt so natural to have a little girl in my lap and I think that was when it dawned on me that I really miss never being a mother. What a shock for me!

Then I got to go out and visit with Raz for a while. He was skittish with me, but as long as Donna was around, he tolerated me. He was abused by his previous owner, so is nervous with everyone but Donna. But that didn't stop him from eating carrots, apples, and sugar cubes from my hand.

When Bree got home, Donna insisted that she go clean her room up. It was a real mess. By supper time, there was no sign of progress - none.

We decided to run down to Walmart to get something for supper. I volunteered to make a meat loaf. Honestly, I didn't expect Donna to accept my offer, but she did. While I was mixing that up, she cut up potatoes (a very big part of Maine's economy) and put them on to boil. When they were ready, I actually made real mashed potatoes, which I hadn't done in many years. Both Dad and Larry took seconds, so I guess I did okay. There wasn't much left - barely enough for sandwiches the next day.

The amazing thing was that I got absolutely no Looks in Walmart either. Down here not only have I gotten looks, I've even been sir-ed. How marvelous it is to just be me!

October 8, 2008

The day is finally here. Ducky (that's Donna's nickname) called and woke me up at 4:00am so I wouldn't miss my plane. I had the alarm set for 4:30, so I tried to roll over for a few more minutes of sleep but couldn't.

I called Donna from the cab to let her know I was on the way to the airport. Then, while I was smoking, I called to let her know that I had my ticket all ready. Then I called from the plane and we were both crying.

When I reached Boston, I turned my phone back on as soon as the plane was on the ground. Just 2 hours to go!

I called here again when I was on the final plane - less than 2 hours!

From the time I made it to Boston the Looks stopped. I guess New Englanders don't know - or care - about T-girls. The only looks I was getting was from being in a dress.

As soon as the plane landed in Presque Isle I turned my phone on to tell her I was there and she said she knew because she watched my plane come in (early, BTW).

When I first went into the terminal there was no one there. I was worried that I might not recognize her, but when she came around the corner, there was no problem. Well, except for the tears that made it hard to see anything. But she had the same problem.

Bree, Hailey, and Mom were with her. We all hugged - a lot! I can't even begin to express how happy I was to meet this woman who probably saved my life.

We stopped at the hotel to make sure I could get checked in. I opened my bag and Ducky didn't want me to bother unpacking anything yet.

When we got to Donna's home, she apologized for it not being "a mansion." It didn't matter to me - I was actually there! I got to see and touch all the things I had heard about for 4 years. And I got to meet Raz, the horse that was her birthday present.

I hadn't seen white birch trees in a long time, and I was amazed that they are all over the place, growing wild. And Christmas trees - real Christmas trees - all over and really big. Down here they have to be imported.

Then they made me sit in the recliner - which is basically the "throne." Then Bree and Hailey presented me with a gift bag that contained a wonderful card and a beautiful bracelet with multi-colored hearts and a set of earrings with really nice diamond-like stones. Of course I immediately put them on and hugged the girls.

Then Mom gave me a beautiful necklace "For my daughter." I could not stop crying.

Donna gave me a gorgeous gold necklace "For my sister." More crying and hugging.

After Larry got home, we went to supper (they don't call it dinner there) at a restaurant called "Napoli's." This was where I really realized for the first time that I wasn't getting the Look. Some people did look at me, but I could tell it was "Who's this bitch in a dress?" Other than the girls, I was the only woman in a dress. But no one - no one - gave me a second thought. How refreshing and ego-boosting!

October 7, 2008

OMG, I leave in the morning! I am so excited I am about to wet myself.

I've been calling Donna every few hours with a countdown of how long until I get there. She laughs every time I call.

October 5, 2008

Bree was eavesdropping and overheard them talking about my coming, so no surprise any more.

She went to her pastor this morning and asked him, "Does God love all his children?"

Of course the pastor had to say yes.

Then she asked, "Does God love my Aunt Nancy?"

What could he say.

She told him about me, and then repeated, "Does God love all his children?"

He was trapped at this point, so no matter what he wanted to say, he told Bree, "Your Aunt Nancy is welcome here any time."

My sister asked her what she would have done if he had said I wasn't welcome and she answered, "I would have told him, 'Then I'm not welcome here either because God doesn't live in this church."

Wow! This girl is only 11.

October 1, 2008

I can't believe it's getting so close. I'm going to meet my sister and she's promised me a whole new family! We haven't told Bree so it will be a complete surprise.

September 7, 2008

I got a check from one of my customers and decided it's a good time to go meet my new family. I am so excited to finally be going to Maine to meet my sister face-to-face! This is going to be so fantastic!

For a bit of background: I bought some stuff from Donna on eBay shortly after Laura died. I have had a few messages back and forth with some of my sellers, but for some reason, it was different with Donna. When I realized that a friendship was developing, I had to set the record straight and tell her that I was using my femme name and that I was a man -- well, at the time I thought I was. Donna wrote back and told me I was wrong; she knew I was really a woman. She knew it before I did!

August 20, 2008

Well, so far I am dealing with this anniversary without too much trouble. I started out working on a new technique for web sites. Then I went and finally got my nails done after five weeks.

And now I'm finishing up actually upgrading this web site, which is long overdue. I've learned an awful lot about Drupal since I started with this site.

December 20, 2007

I've been struggling with a particularly annoying work problem all day, so I got "out of uniform" early this evening.

I looked at everything I have in the kitchen (that took about 6.5 seconds) and nothing sounded good. So I decided to go get some BBQ at a place nearby. I didn't even think about the way I was dressed (jeans, no wig). AS I got to the register to pay, the young woman asked, "Are you trying to disguise me today?" (Hey, it's the South, so that's a normal way to say it.)

I had to laugh all the way home. Getting "busted" for not being dressed!

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