Nancy Wichmann

Being transsexual and having lived in both genders gives me an understanding of human nature that few have. Having been the target of hatred in the name of God, and overcoming it, gives me both the knowledge and the desire to minister to the disenfranchised, perhaps even showing, by example, that outcasts can come home. A desire to help believers mature in Christ also compels me to consider some sort of educational efforts. As a certified project manager and professional web developer, I also bring knowledge of technical subjects.

From as early as I can remember, I knew I was different from other kids. I didn't have much interest in the things boys did; I was more interested in what the other girls did. Making friends with girls was much easier than with boys. It took many years before I realized I was not alone in being transgender. In the meantime, I tried hard to dismiss it.

Being transgender pitted me against all the authority figures in my life, especially my parents. My father, in particular, could not understand why they kept catching me with some of my mother's clothes. He called me "queer;" that word just cut through me whenever I heard it. He, furthermore, made it clear that I was an embarrassment to the family, and more so if I had to go see a therapist. But I also heard condemnation in church (being in the South), where I was told I was an "abomination" even though they didn't know.

In retrospect, I recognize now that I felt a "hunger" for God very early in life. My early church experiences were largely of my own volition because my family was not very religious. To this day, I cannot recall a single time that God was mentioned at home.

I believe that my father's reaction made it hard for me to accept the "loving father" picture of God. That, fortunately, did not prevent me from responding to Him. As Paul said, I was destined to answer His selection of me from before my birth.

Even though I had become active in the Methodist church as an adult and was studying the Bible regularly, I always had that nagging doubt in the back of my mind that I was "wrong" in God's eyes because of my gender issues. One day, as I was reading a book, my eyes closed and an overwhelming feeling of love swept over me and I knew that He loved me just the way I was. That experience completely changed my feelings about God; my true faith journey was just beginning.

Having lived so long trying to be, for others, what I was not, has left me with some lingering self-image issues, but the Lord has been working hard on resolving those. Indeed, looking back over the last several years, I can almost see myself as a new creation (2 Cor. 5:17). A lot of the changes that I see I can now trace back to God's work in my life; indeed, much of my self-confidence is directly related to my church relationship.

Early in my Bible studies Paul's description of "growing up" in the gospel made a deep impact on me. I knew I had to grow up, and I felt the need to help others do the same. My pastor asked me to help with a Bible study group for the older members of our church. It wasn't long before he was absent more than present, leaving me pretty much in charge. It struck me that these people, who had been involved with the church for many years, kept going back to the simple lessons – the "baby food." I began looking for ways to stretch their growth, even including a Star Trek story. There were several members who resisted getting deeper into their understanding and I found their reluctance very confusing.

Recently I was thrilled to become a pilot facilitator for the Massachusetts Bible Society's Dickenson Series on the Bible. This reminded me of my need to help others understand, and it helped me to realize that I had to do it in a slower, more methodical manner. Now that my congregation has honored me by electing me as the Learning Minister, I am searching for additional ways to ignite the passion to understand the Bible and God's will for all of us, including me. Personally, I have already signed up for the synod's School of Lay Ministry (SLM) and talked about it with a few people who I think would benefit from it.

In my interactions with people in the LGBT community, I frequently meet people who, whether they are truly aware of it or not, sound as though they have that hunger for God, but have been so put off by hatred in the name of God that they feel that they must rebel. I believe these people could be reached and brought back home. I have yet to find ways to do it, but I am continuing to look. The Holy Spirit has encouraged me to examine my own life for clues and I have begun writing about it. I do know that having a welcoming church is not enough; we must go to them and invite them in. Additionally, we must be willing to apologize for the hatred directed at them, regardless of whether we had any part in it. This, too, is part of my calling and an area where I hope the SLM will help me.

For a long time, I, like many, held back from talking about God in public settings for fear of offending someone. I used to belong to an online transgender group. When I was baptized I posted a message about being recognized as a child of God. For that I was chastised. Others had made posts with the "f" word in them and, as far as I knew, were not corrected. Finding that "God" is worse than the "f" word really angered me and I quit the group. Since then I have resolved to no longer hold back; I will never again be afraid of talking about my Lord. This is another area where I expect the SLM to help me.

Three years ago, I felt the unmistakable pressure of the Spirit - probably the strongest I have ever felt. As soon as I was able, I began to meditate and knew that I was being called to minister to other people and the church. But I also felt that more preparation was required. Not long after that He led me here to ELCA, Boston, and LCN. So many things have happened since that it is only in hindsight that I can see it all as part of the preparation for ministry. I can look back too and see that as I have progressed in my faith, my happiness has blossomed as well.

I have been using the term "led by the Spirit" but sometimes I think Mark chose a better word in his gospel in referring to Jesus going into the wilderness. "Ekballei" (I can't get Greek to display) is translated in many versions as the active "drives out;" I often feel as though this is the case with me: I am being driven out of my comfort zone and into the service of God where I belong.

So much time had passed since that call that I had begun to wonder if it had been real; events conspired to prevent me from trying to proceed on my own. Memories of being a Methodist Certified Lay Speaker began to make me need to get involved more. When I learned of the School of Lay Ministry, I "knew" I would enroll. It was a short sentence at the bottom of the brochure that forced me to ask about "rostered lay leadership." As Pastor Asta was explaining it to me, I felt the unambiguous nudge from the Holy Spirit that it was time to take the next step.

I find the process a bit frightening, but, at the same time, I know it is right and that only makes me happier about serving God. Coming from a background where facts drive decisions, shifting to taking one step at a time – in faith – is foreign to me. It is clear that not only am I not running this project, I am not allowed to see the project plan either. Clearly it is in far more capable hands than mine.

While personal considerations suggest it is preferable for me to stay in New England, and especially the Boston area, I must put God's will and the needs of the church ahead of my own. I will cheerfully go where called. Likewise, I am currently focusing on the requirements for an Associate in Ministry, but will do as the Holy Spirit leads me; indeed, there is a certain appeal to obtaining a M.Div. degree. And, while I would prefer to trade my single, celibate life for a committed, loving marriage to a man, if that is not God's will for me, I accept it.