My husband is a crossdresser, what should I do?

My husband is a crossdresser, what should I do?

This is a tough question to answer. A lot depends on you. Here are the actions you can take; decide which is best for you.

  • Refuse to allow it.
  • Allow it, but not in your presence.
  • Allow it, but only in your presence.
  • Allow it, but only at home.
  • Accept it and participate.

Many people think that a crossdresser chooses this behavior. In fact, it's rarely a choice; it is usually an emotional imperative.

Suppressing his opportunities to safely dress can lead to his finding ways to do it behind your back - often in unsafe ways. And once he starts having to sneak around to dress, the sneaking can, itself, become a thrill and expand into other areas like other women who will tolerate it, children, or experimenting with other men.

I know that sounds pretty scary, and I really don't want to scare you. There are research results that bear out my own personal knowledge.

I also don't want you to feel like you have to accept something you can't handle. On the other hand, both research and personal knowledge suggest that many women can, with professional help and exposure, learn to accept and even appreciate this "feminine side" in their husbands.

Marriage is, of necessity, a series of compromises. A fully developed relationship becomes an interdependence of the two people such that they are, in effect, a single entity. I was lucky enough to have achieved that state with my late wife. She had a fairly strong masculine side that balanced out my feminine side. As she became more comfortable with that our marriage grew stronger. I'm convinced that if she were still alive I would not be seeking gender reassignment.

So my first suggestion is that you try to have an open and civil conversation about his dressing and your feelings. If either of you gets uncomfortable with it, remember that it's okay to stop the conversation for a while. You may also find you need professional help with the dialog at first.

Don't expect that either of you can be fully open at first. After all, this is not something most women grow up expecting from their husbands. Certainly this is something that he's been hiding most of his life because everyone has told him it's "wrong."

Another thing to consider is that crossdresser often get an erotic thrill from dressing, so your sex life might very well improve.

A quick warning: it's not uncommon for women to react by trying to "out-feminine" him. This will start a spiral that you will find uncomfortable and I doubt seriously that you will win. Just be yourself and let him be himself.

Now you can have both a boyfriend and a girlfriend! With your help, he can fully integrate both sides of his personality and become a human being. You just might learn a lot about yourself along the way.

Comments

20 years then BAM

So I was that nosy wife who had a weird feeling about her husband and discovered on his phone that he is a cross dresser. There were also many conversations and invitations to meet from craigslist ads. (Huge safety issue as far as I am concerned). I was also smacked with a picture of him fully dressed that he had sent another man. I cried for hours as he slept in the other room. I was convinced that our life together was over. We have been married 20 years. 20YEARS!!! I feel cheated, lied to, stressed out beyond imagination! I cannot wrap my head around this man being a cross dresser. If you knew him, you would say the same. He is completely intolerant of gay people and anyone with gender issues. So for him to be even remotely in the same category is unrealistic to me.
So, I wait until later on in the day to "confront" him. Remember, I still think he has been meeting men. His reaction is anger at me for looking at his phone initially. I can understand that but I tell him he needs to move past that because the real issue is that he is doing all this other stuff. He tells me he has been doing this since the age of 4. He says it just makes him feel good. He said that i should try to think of that feeling when you have had a rough day and you slide yourself into a nice hot whirlpool or bathtub, that feeling of AHHHHH. I want to understand. Oh Lord I really do but what about the craigslist messages? How can he be "not gay" and still have these conversations with men about how big their penises are and what they want to do? How is that NOT GAY?!? He swears he never met the men. That he doesn't know why he texted with them. I don't even know if I can believe him. He said we need to get counseling, that this monster living inside him won't be "fixed" if we don't get help. I am so confused. My beliefs tell me its wrong to be this way, but my beliefs also tell me "until death do us part" and to "love your neighbor as yourself", to "treat people with human dignity" and that Jesus loves us all. I don't want him to think I feel he is a sexual pervert who needs to be fixed but i also don't want him to ever dress again. I love this man, i don't want my marriage to be over, but I don't want him to brush this under the rug in hopes that I will "forget" either. I cannot be the wife who lets him dress at home, or in bed or whatever. Its not who I am.
Thank you for listening to me. I sit here sobbing because life as I know it is over. And I don't have anyone to talk to about it.

This is ME. I would like very

This is ME. I would like very much to start up a connection with the person who wrote this... perhaps we can support one another.

My husband and I have been

My husband and I have been together for four and a half years now. When we met we didn't have a physical relationship right away, we actually fell in love before we even kissed or had sex, which I know sounds weird, but I felt like we had really gotten to know each other and we had a great bond. Then when the sex came, that was just the icing on the cake!

We ended up getting pregnant pretty quick, and we were both good with that and happy with it, also excited. This is his first, and I had kids from previous relationship. Our first year together we had a lot of ups and downs. Such as him losing his job, my ex kidnapped my kids, we were dealing with so much, court, kids, a new relationship, money, and being pregnant. We ended up having to live with his parents for a while until we got back on our feet. No matter how bad things were, or how tough they were, we always stood strong beside each other. With the way everything went, my pregnancy was horrible, I had a lot of issues, I was depressed with losing kids and the continuing court battles.

Our daughter was born in January, not even a year into our relationship, but I honestly love this man with my everything, truly felt we were and are soul mates. He always had a higher sexuality level then I did, but that wasn't a concern, and we worked with it. Then he came out to tell me about his cross dressing. I was honestly shocked, I had no idea what so ever, I was floored and didn't expect that at all, I was confused and I didn't understand it. We talked a lot, and I mean a lot, I asked lots of questions and he did his best to answer and for the stuff I wasn't comfortable asking directly, we wrote letters back and forth, which sometimes made it easier. I know when he told me this it was a relief for him and that he had never felt comfortable enough to open up and talk about it with anyone. That I understood, and I could see he was excited about it and enjoyed talking about it.

I read articles and continued to talk with him about it, I let him do it when the kids were in bed, but to be honest, it did not turn me on in any way shape or form. This is where our problems started. His dressing turned him on so much that he wanted sex, and I wasn't turned on with it and didn't want sex. He would want me to cuddle him while he would be wearing lingerie, and I was very uncomfortable with it. I wanted to be with a man not a woman. I honestly tried though, I pushed myself to work with him, to try and understand and even bought him his own clothes and everything. Our biggest issue was and is that once that door was open and he seen I somewhat accepted it, then he seen me give an inch and he would take a mile! Other things came up. We had boundaries set, such as he did it when the kids were in bed, he wore his own clothes not mine, he didn't go out like that, and I was not expected to have sex with him when he did it. Soon all those boundaries were thrown out the window. The house wasn't enough, he talked about dressing up and walking through the mall with me, he talked about going to the drive through dressed up. He told me that the thrill of getting caught is what is the major turn on for him. Other things now came up, things he wanted me to do that I was 100% uncomfortable in doing. And again I honestly gave a lot of it a try for him, but it seemed the more I tried, the more he pushed me for more and more. He asked me things such as to help him shave his ass, put make up on him, pretend I was a man, wear a strap on, play with toys with him, lick his asshole, and on and on, that's a few, and no I did not do them all, but sometimes he had a way of guilting me I to doing them and a lot of the times I almost felt forced into it, which being raped in my past did not help. It seemed like the box opened up and this whole can of worms just kept spilling out until I finally broke down. I couldn't do it, any of it. He would push and push for these things and then when they didn't happen he would be miserable and unhappy, and he would twist things around and make me feel like I was in the wrong. Then one day I snapped and I told him how I felt, how I didn't want to do this things, now they bothered me, now they made me feel, he said he would stop, which I honestly knew he never would but agreed to it. He didn't do it in front if me, but he still would as he calls it slip up occasionally, or do it out of anger towards me, like if didn't have sex with him in three days he would get angry and do it to piss me off. He went out of town and when he got back and I went to d his laundry there it was, he said he figured it was ok as long as I didn't see it, but I felt betrayed, lied to and hurt. We split up for a bit, which was really hard because I honestly truly love this man with my whole heart. When I was gone he told me how much he missed me and the kids, and how bored he was sitting at home without us. Then I get a phone call from my neighbour wanting to ask me all kinds of questions, I am two provinces away and confused. She said she was out on her back deck and he came out fully dressed and she was very awkward, she said he apologized and told her he had issues, and asked her not to tell anyone. One of the first things she asked me was if her kids were safe around this freak!? I was mortified and angry and became very defensive, i said he is still the same person, he is not a freak and he was still the same guy who fixed her kids bikes and mowed her grass and all that for her, and she said she was very concerned for her kids safety, reasons like that is why I wanted to keep it in closed doors. I didn't tell him the things she said, cause I didn't want to upset him. We got back together, and we had made compromises and worked things out, we would go months where things would be great, then it would come up. He would tell me he needed to do it because it relieved his stress, because it really excited him, because I wouldn't wear those things and so on. Each time it escalates into so much more, talk about him giving a guy a bj or getting one from a guy, asking me to pretend to be a guy, asking me to pretend he's a girl, he even tried to get me to give his friend which a close friend of both of ours a bj and hooking up with him, this really turned him on, it didn't happen as I was not comfortable with it, but when this stuff comes up its ALL he ever talks about, it takes over our whole lives. Every fight we have is about sex or something I am not doing like dressing up, or playing with him and a toy, our normal sex life is never enough, he's always pushing it further and trying to bring it up more and more, and I am at the point I can't handle it anymore, he works away from home now and today I found a bunch of my clothes where he is staying, he said he did it a while ago and knew he would get caught if he brought them home, but he lied to me when I flat out asked him if he had taken any of my clothes, and he is breaking boundaries we had set in place. I hurt all the time, I am confused, he is never fully honest with me, he takes it all to the extreme and way over board, I honestly don't know if I can continue with it. We tried counselling, but he would interrupt me if I began to bring up the topic and he refused to talk about it in there, he won't go on his own. I feel like the man I fell in love with is not even there anymore, I still love him and care for him and don't want to live without him, he is my everything, but I feel like I am constantly giving into his needs, and wants while mine are put on the back burner. I have never talked to anyone about this, and this is the first time I even write about it. He says he is not gay, he says he loves me, and I believe that, he says he likes to dress cause it takes away the stress of being a man and give him a break, he says he likes the way woman's clothes feel on him, and feel period. He comes down on me all the time cause I dont dress up, and I mean honestly he wants me either in skimpy clothes or lingerie all the time, and with kids in the house and being a stay at home mom, high heels and mini skirts don't work for trips to the park, or folding laundry or running a three year old to the bathroom, he has even asked why i don't just be naked all the time in the house even with our kids there, sometimes I think he is very unrealistic with his thoughts, and he is all over the place back and forth. He will not do it for months, then it's all the time and all he does, and it's everything, then after he makes me do some if these things it even asks them, or when he dresses, he gets ashamed and shuts himself off cause he his embaressed and he has even gone to the point of growing everything out. I feel like I am nit an equal in our relationship, that this stuff and his sexual needs are first priority, it's all we fight about, he lies a out he hides stuff, and I don't know what do anymore, I am very hurt and cinfused in every possible way. Any help or someone to talk to would be a great help, thanks and sorry it was so long!

My husband wants to be a cross dresser

I just got married a year ago and I found my husband wearing my bras and underwear we had a talk and he said that it was just a thing he liked cause it felt good we desided that it would be ok in the house but that did not last long he started to wear them out of the house he told me a couple of months ago that he wants to be a cross dresser and wear everything I don't want this I love him with all my heart we have been together sence I was 15 and now I'm 21 and we have 2 kids I'm scared I'm not going to be good enough for him anymore we just talked again and he scared me this time he told me that he wants to find a couple that will have sex with us like he dose her or him idk or the opposite I don't want that I told him no but he got upset. Now it's hard to talk to him about it he gets upset all the time I am a stay home mom and I keep all my fillings to my self it's like a big box holding all my filling and can't get out I fill like I want to explode but I can't cant someone help me

Hmm...

First, let me explain that no one "wants to be a cross dresser" - he is or he is not. The real question is whether he acts on his need.

Your relationship is between you and him; no one else has the right to tell you what to do with it. I would, however, strongly encourage counseling, as it is clear that you both need to understand the whole situation.

As a Christian, I must oppose involving another couple. Again, you both need counseling.

cross dressers wife help me understand

Im 33 yrs old my husband is 45 yrs old we have not long been married goin on 3 yrs. last yr he came to me and told me had to tell me something, I didnt know what was coming but never imagined what he told me. He had said yrs back 20ish he had dressed up in womans cloths and used toys on him self and had them used on him by previous gf and he enjoyed it. Then he said approx 10 yrs ago he had a bi experience with another man he said the experience was enjoyable although he did freak out a little when he ejaculated got his cloths and left. Few yrs went by he was single at this time he would go to motel for a day dress up and use toys on himself he went through phases where he would buy cloths, make up, wigs, high heals, toys, ect. dress up. Then he would start to feel guilty and throw it all away. When he told me all this I was in shock didnt know what to say, think or do, I didnt really say much of nothing but sure didnt like it. I tried to put it out of my mind and thought it was his past I tried to forget it and yes my worst fear was him bringing it up wanting to do it again.
Our sex life has had its up and downs I guess I can say. My husband has heart problems and is on meds as well. When we met he said he had a low sex drive as mine was alot higher we didnt have sex often went through stages kinda was once a week at times, we played around watched porn couple times a week, then went back to maybe once a week, then every other week then maybe once a month. It started becoming a problem I just felt as he didnt want me or as if I didnt turn him on and he swear it wasnt me just low sex drive. I finally stopped trying to turn him on or mess with him sexually as I would get the let down feeling, it hurt. That went on for some time and my husband came to me and suggested I find me a fwb to satisfy a need he wasnt filling. It took me a few months to accept it and finally did. My husband found me a fwb set it up but one condition he wanted to see pics. The thought of me doin this really seemed to turn him as the pics did as well.
My husband started making comments about dressing up again and all finally one day I just gave in and went with it I dont know why maybe to get some the attention from him Ive been wanting again and was trying to understand and make him happy. I went bought a wig and we both went the adult store got toys, lingerie and make up went home he went in bathroom put make up and came out we played around I used toy on him. Although it was awkward and I didnt have a clue what I was doing I guess it wasnt that bad but very different seeing him dressed as a woman. He said then he didnt want to do it again as it was awkward. Few months went by he brings it up again by this time our sex life is much of nothing and he looks at craigslist alot all categories and watches porn alot (shemale,cross dressing, stapon, ext.) jacks off doing so on his rain days and to be honest that really bothers me because of our sex life he deprives me from it and makes me feel as he would rather jack off then have sex with me. Hes brought up and made comments about the glory hole till I got tired of hearing it I finally said to go even though I really didnt want him to I told him I was fine with it so he went said nothing happen but he went a few times through out the weeks. My husband says he's bi bottom and has fantasy were he is dressed up in lingerie and gets banged by a guy in another words he wants to be someones bitch. As I love my husband and would do most anything to please him and make him happy Im trying to understand and be open as I can about this all so we try playing again with each other. I did his make up this time was fun doin it as we joked around and all during. I took pics of him dressed up didnt really look to bad I did good job lol then we fooled around I took charge pleased him with toy. I didnt want to be pleased was trying to let it be about him we finished wasnt bad he really seemed enjoy it. Not long after that he wanted to bring a man into so would be the 3 of us, I agreed was willing to try but when it happened I wanted to leave I didnt want to be there and the next day I really didnt want my husband to touch me had alot going through my mind and told my husband it made me sick to my stomach. After that he didnt bring it up for awhile and didnt want to talk about it he still watched porn when I wasnt home and all. Its caused alot of arguments we have never fussed till this and seems this is all we fuss about, our lack of sex life and bi stuff. Couple months ago he brings it up again same stuff glory hole, ect. but now our sex life is nothing as he says its not staying hard says its the meds but has been on meds almost 6 months pretty much all the passion and all is gone except for the kisses on the forehead in the mornings and being held at night if we not fussin about this. I try to tell him how I feel and there is more than sex in a relationship but a woman still needs to feel wanted and physical touch. Anyway he goes to the glory hole and this time somethng happens he give a man oral and gave guy hand job and went into a both with a guy and the guy fked him and he said he loved it. That weekend I got alot of attention kisses ect and him thanking me for letting him do it and now wants to take it further. He wants us to experience this with another man again or men. We still agrue about it and about our sex life and lack of it, its hard even though Im trying to understand and be open its hard as hell and puttin a big strain on us. Im not sure what more I can do.. I just my husband to be my husband and want me.

You are about the best

I am in your husband's position exactly. I have struggled with cross dressing so long and she knows I want to be with men and her at the same time. She will occasionally play with a toy with me, she is not willing to go along with another man in my life or bedroom. And when I dress in panties or thigh highs she sneers an me as well as tries to ignore. Overall I am a disappointment to her. M

All I need to be happy is once or twice a month I dress up like a super slut and get a dominant gay top to safely f*** me or play in front of my wife.

Maybe

I have to agree with you wife. I very much believe in the sanctity of marriage. No one else should be involved. I understand the need to dress, but you are not alone in this marriage; you must consider your wife's feelings as well. This is VERY hard for a cross-dresser; I had a lot of trouble with it myself.

Are you sure one or twice a month is enough? Will it always be? Many cross-dressing support groups offer one a month opportunities to dress and meet with others - for talk. If a group allows or encourages hanky panky, get away from that group; it's bad news.

Lisa

I applaud your willingness to accommodate your husband's fantasies. But, I have to encourage you, and especially, him to seek counseling from a qualified professional. I see a lot of self-destructive behavior developing, and would hope that it can be stopped.

He should also mention to his doctor that the medication is affecting his sex-drive.

I just found out my husband

I just found out my husband is a cross dresser and I am having a hard time excepting it. I don't want my marriage to end either. What can I do to be able to see him as a man and not a female. He wears women clothing at home, bra even fake boobs. I can not stand it. I need HELP! Can someone tell me how to see it fun and not as something is wrong. I am Catholic and I think that is what makes it more diffucult to except him. I have a 6 year old son at home and I don't want him to have problems at school or with friends. He knows but I don't think he understands what is going on, in fact I know he doesn't cause I don't. Can someone PLEASE HELP ME UNDERSTAND.

Hmm...

Well, first of all, based on my experience, I doubt you would ever see him as a woman.

Legally, you're in the driver's seat. For the sake of your marriage counseling is a must. And for him to begin to understand himself, counseling is also an excellent idea. However, don't expect a "cure" for him. Look for a compromise, which may be having him go somewhere else to dress (like support groups).

I discovered a few years

I discovered a few years ago that my husband had what I thought was a fetish for wearing women's clothing. I tried to discuss it with him, but although he admitted it, he was obviously embarrassed about discussing it with me. I did some research and discovered that this isn't as unusual as I expected. He did away with his clothing, and although I knew from time to time, he got some more. Not long ago I discovered a purchase he had made and mentioned it. He said he hadn't "done it" in a long time but did make the purchase and that at some times, he felt the need to dress more strongly than others. We get along well, he treats me well, he is a well respected man in our community and my grown children and grandchildren adore him....none of them have any clue. Today, I discovered that he recently answered an ad on the internet, stating that he would like to join the person (who placed the ad) to play and could use their help in feeling/looking like a real girl. I have never seen him "dressed up" - and although we haven't had a very active sexual relationship, I've accepted until now that he simply dressed up. Now, I'm in shock - not knowing if he is meeting people, whether or not he is gay.... I have no idea what to do. Can you shed some light on this for me? My most immediate reaction is to just run from it all, but could not explain that to my family and would never, for many reasons, tell anyone about who/what he really might be.

Thank you very much for any assistance you can offer.

Me Too!

I can not help you but i am in the same situation all you have said just sounds like me at the moment, i have found my husband on a tv website and he has even left comments to other tv's pages, He will not open up so i do not know what to do?

I hate ultimata

I hate ultimata, but you may have to issue one. Either he opens up with you or a therapist. It is necessary to the health of the marriage. Until he does, try not to jump to conclusions - for your own sanity.

my husband is a crossdresser

we've been married for 8 years, but we've been together for 9 years. my husband just came out last year,i am really having a hard time with this.he dress's like a woman.just like how a woman dress's he does to.my kids know about this.when i am not home he shows my girls his clothes and make-up and heels and stuff, i feel very uncomfortable with this, i dont trust him. he is also into bondage, he looks up stuff on the internet and he has pictures and films that he has downloaded.this is why i am uncomfortable leaving my children home and why i dont trust him. i have my own little bag of stuff but its not what he has.i have a vibrater and a dildo.lets just say i feel more comforterbal useing my own stuff than i do with him. he had stolen one of my dildo's so what am i supposed to think,i ask him were it was and he denied having it.but i seen it in his suitcase.he denies having any thing.but i have seen all of his stuff.and when he goes out of town he brings his stuff with him and when he comes back i can see the eye line on his eyes and the nailpolish on his toes,i can tell and it does not matter how much he denies it,the kids and i can tell.the three older kids are not his but the two little one are and our 6 year old wants to know why he does all of this,it is very confusing.i have asked him to move out,but he refuses to move out.i feel like i am being mentally abused.i see a psychitrist and a therapist.i am bipolar and i suffer from depression and having to deal with this,it really takes the cake. so hey please email me back,because i dont know what to do.thanks for listening.

Tough one

Is he seeing a therapist at all? You need to request this - even if it means joint sessions. The two of you need open, honest dialog. It's very hard for him because he is still hiding this from some people.

Next, you must demand that he be more careful in cleaning up his makeup. I've known many CDs who have lost their jobs because of stupid things like not getting all their eyeliner or mascara off.

If you really want him to move out and he refuses, contact a lawyer for a trial separation. That will wake him up to reality. He is hurting you and the family and needs to work on this whole issue. You are being emotionally abused, and that's reason enough for the court.

Explaining all this to the kids is his responsibility. Tell him he needs to think about what to tell them, in terms they can understand, and then do it. While he's at it, he needs to explain it to you too.

If he has some of you stuff and you know how to get it, just take it back. Demand that he get his own stuff since seems to be unwilling to share.

What bothers me (besides the

What bothers me (besides the obvious) is that there is so much support for the crossdressers out there.
But very little for wives and women who don't like it and nothing for the children.

In trying to understand, I joined a forum for crossdressers which includes wives and familys.
But if you aren't supportive and a willing to participate or at least trying to be, even the wives and women make you feel like there is something wrong you.
You are too "negative", unenlightened, uneducated or a bible thumping, right-wing, Christian zealot bigot.

Even Dr. Phil and mainstream TV seem more concerned with political correctness than how this can erode and destroy a woman, her children and family.

I got tossed this bombshell decades in and cannot even confide in a friend without risking "outing" him.

Meanwhile,
He lies to me.
He ignores me while he visits crossdressing sites and shops online spending money we don't have.
He resents his family and children when it interfers with "her" time.
He shaved his beautiful body hair that I loved so much.
He wears panties 24/7 and nighties to bed and wants me to use a dildo on him and I can't...I just can't and he makes me feel less of a woman because I won't.
He spends more time getting ready and in the bathroom than I do.
He makes me feel like his audience and I'm suppose to applaud his smooth/stubbly shaven skin, new earrings, legs, long nails, plucked eyebrows and pretend his huge c*ck is really a tiny cl*t.
He competes with my own femininity and critisizes what he finds lacking.

Don't be fooled when he says it's only just clothes.
Because it isn't.

Looking in the wrong places

Support for wives and children who don't like it has to come from professional counselors. The women who frequent those forums or group meetings are accepting and/or supportive, so their mindset is already leaning that way. It's not that there is anything wrong with you, so please put that notion out of your mind.

I have to agree with you that it's not just the clothes for him. It is for some guys, but other guys need more.

Both of you need to talk about this situation, but not necessarily together. If you can find a psychological practice with multiple counselors, then you should each choose one.

I am a transsexual woman, and I have had potential dates ask if I would mind a husband who dresses. Well, yes, I would mind. When I lived as a man, my late wife opposed it and I never understood her feelings, even tough we talked a lot. I can't say that I really understand it any better now, but I definitely agree with her (and you).