My husband is a crossdresser, what should I do?

My husband is a crossdresser, what should I do?

This is a tough question to answer. A lot depends on you. Here are the actions you can take; decide which is best for you.

  • Refuse to allow it.
  • Allow it, but not in your presence.
  • Allow it, but only in your presence.
  • Allow it, but only at home.
  • Accept it and participate.

Many people think that a crossdresser chooses this behavior. In fact, it's rarely a choice; it is usually an emotional imperative.

Suppressing his opportunities to safely dress can lead to his finding ways to do it behind your back - often in unsafe ways. And once he starts having to sneak around to dress, the sneaking can, itself, become a thrill and expand into other areas like other women who will tolerate it, children, or experimenting with other men.

I know that sounds pretty scary, and I really don't want to scare you. There are research results that bear out my own personal knowledge.

I also don't want you to feel like you have to accept something you can't handle. On the other hand, both research and personal knowledge suggest that many women can, with professional help and exposure, learn to accept and even appreciate this "feminine side" in their husbands.

Marriage is, of necessity, a series of compromises. A fully developed relationship becomes an interdependence of the two people such that they are, in effect, a single entity. I was lucky enough to have achieved that state with my late wife. She had a fairly strong masculine side that balanced out my feminine side. As she became more comfortable with that our marriage grew stronger. I'm convinced that if she were still alive I would not be seeking gender reassignment.

So my first suggestion is that you try to have an open and civil conversation about his dressing and your feelings. If either of you gets uncomfortable with it, remember that it's okay to stop the conversation for a while. You may also find you need professional help with the dialog at first.

Don't expect that either of you can be fully open at first. After all, this is not something most women grow up expecting from their husbands. Certainly this is something that he's been hiding most of his life because everyone has told him it's "wrong."

Another thing to consider is that crossdresser often get an erotic thrill from dressing, so your sex life might very well improve.

A quick warning: it's not uncommon for women to react by trying to "out-feminine" him. This will start a spiral that you will find uncomfortable and I doubt seriously that you will win. Just be yourself and let him be himself.

Now you can have both a boyfriend and a girlfriend! With your help, he can fully integrate both sides of his personality and become a human being. You just might learn a lot about yourself along the way.

Comments

I discovered a few years

I discovered a few years ago that my husband had what I thought was a fetish for wearing women's clothing. I tried to discuss it with him, but although he admitted it, he was obviously embarrassed about discussing it with me. I did some research and discovered that this isn't as unusual as I expected. He did away with his clothing, and although I knew from time to time, he got some more. Not long ago I discovered a purchase he had made and mentioned it. He said he hadn't "done it" in a long time but did make the purchase and that at some times, he felt the need to dress more strongly than others. We get along well, he treats me well, he is a well respected man in our community and my grown children and grandchildren adore him....none of them have any clue. Today, I discovered that he recently answered an ad on the internet, stating that he would like to join the person (who placed the ad) to play and could use their help in feeling/looking like a real girl. I have never seen him "dressed up" - and although we haven't had a very active sexual relationship, I've accepted until now that he simply dressed up. Now, I'm in shock - not knowing if he is meeting people, whether or not he is gay.... I have no idea what to do. Can you shed some light on this for me? My most immediate reaction is to just run from it all, but could not explain that to my family and would never, for many reasons, tell anyone about who/what he really might be.

Thank you very much for any assistance you can offer.

my husband is a crossdresser

we've been married for 8 years, but we've been together for 9 years. my husband just came out last year,i am really having a hard time with this.he dress's like a woman.just like how a woman dress's he does to.my kids know about this.when i am not home he shows my girls his clothes and make-up and heels and stuff, i feel very uncomfortable with this, i dont trust him. he is also into bondage, he looks up stuff on the internet and he has pictures and films that he has downloaded.this is why i am uncomfortable leaving my children home and why i dont trust him. i have my own little bag of stuff but its not what he has.i have a vibrater and a dildo.lets just say i feel more comforterbal useing my own stuff than i do with him. he had stolen one of my dildo's so what am i supposed to think,i ask him were it was and he denied having it.but i seen it in his suitcase.he denies having any thing.but i have seen all of his stuff.and when he goes out of town he brings his stuff with him and when he comes back i can see the eye line on his eyes and the nailpolish on his toes,i can tell and it does not matter how much he denies it,the kids and i can tell.the three older kids are not his but the two little one are and our 6 year old wants to know why he does all of this,it is very confusing.i have asked him to move out,but he refuses to move out.i feel like i am being mentally abused.i see a psychitrist and a therapist.i am bipolar and i suffer from depression and having to deal with this,it really takes the cake. so hey please email me back,because i dont know what to do.thanks for listening.

Tough one

Is he seeing a therapist at all? You need to request this - even if it means joint sessions. The two of you need open, honest dialog. It's very hard for him because he is still hiding this from some people.

Next, you must demand that he be more careful in cleaning up his makeup. I've known many CDs who have lost their jobs because of stupid things like not getting all their eyeliner or mascara off.

If you really want him to move out and he refuses, contact a lawyer for a trial separation. That will wake him up to reality. He is hurting you and the family and needs to work on this whole issue. You are being emotionally abused, and that's reason enough for the court.

Explaining all this to the kids is his responsibility. Tell him he needs to think about what to tell them, in terms they can understand, and then do it. While he's at it, he needs to explain it to you too.

If he has some of you stuff and you know how to get it, just take it back. Demand that he get his own stuff since seems to be unwilling to share.