This is a response to an actual email I received about this site.
I don't believe anyone wakes up one morning and decides to become a crossdresser (the term transvestite has some derogatory connotations and many would take it as such in the context of your email). The reasons why someone crosses gender lines are unknown. There are many theories and probably none of them are totally right. Certainly, there is considerable research that indicates one is born with the need.
Two studies come to mind quickly. One was conducted in Germany and found that people born during WWII were four times more likely to become homosexual than those before and after the war. Stress on the mother is suspected there. The other study that I just heard recently found an unusual pair repetition in certain genes in transsexuals. So it may very well be genetic. There are theories that suggest that there is a genetic predisposition towards transgenderism.
Another possible cause has been shown in DES babies (see http://www3.telus.net/des1/). The effects on female DES babies have been well known and researched for quite some time. It is now being reported that male DES babies are at a much higher risk for transgender expressions. I suspect I am one such person, although there are no remaining records to determine it for sure.
One good starting point for more information can be found in "Definition and Synopsis of the Etiology of Adult Gender Identity Disorder and Transsexualism."
Why decide to be CD/TS/TG ? ....notes from the underground...
I will only speak for myself.
I am a Cross dresser and have been all my life.
I did not 'decide' to dress as a woman, I was born this way.
I live a completely normal and somewhat macho lifestyle as a male. I enjoy my male life. I am hetro and never desired to be with a man sexually(yech). I am also married and completely faithful. I am a college graduate, have advanced degrees and have earned well over a 6 figure income. I am not mentally ill nor stupid.
I did not chose to be a crossdresser {"CD") and in fact I spent most of my life searching for a "cure". Like an alcoholic I tried over and over only to find myself slipping off the wagon and then feeling shameful, purging whatever garments I had obtained and swearing oaths 'never again'.
In my 20's I put my life at risk over and over in dangerous situations thinking the reality that near-death brings, the proof I was so macho, and the testosterone boost would "cure" me. All I got from those years was an near-addiction to adrenalin highs - now I go on roller coasters and sky dive.
Only in the last 5 years have I encountered support organizations like KB in Charlotte NC where others have the same 'blessing' (I still call it an affliction). These like minded folks have helped me understand I am not the only one who has had this experience in life.
I won't make this a book - suffice to say that as a toddler, 3 years old, I would regularly be caught in my older sisters underwear drawer. I was put into a slip and laughed at as punishment. It taught me two things - I liked the feel and smell of the clothes and the world would never accept me in them. At 3 years old it had nothing to do with sex. Then at 11 years old at play alone I accidentally discovered a bathrobe drawn tightly resembled a dress - that was the spark that lit a fire I had no way to stop. In fantasy, dreams, just all the time it was on my mind. I worried constantly that I might say or do something that would disclose my true feelings. When I looked at girls I looked at them first as any boy does and then secondly for the clothes they were wearing, the makeup, their shoes - everything. I still look at women that way.
Logically speaking, CD is a stupid thing for me to do, my wife - job -friends - relatives - would all be lost should I be found out, that is why I keep my CD life a complete secret.
But it was never a choice. No man that I know would choose this.
Now in later life I am at peace with CD - I no longer look for a cure, just try to dress when far away from home with a support group - that is never often enough but something. Except for those rare occasions, it remains as it has been all my life - just me and my mirror when I can get away.
And to answer the unasked question, no not for sexual gratification with others - there is a feeling of comfort that comes with being allowed to dress as a woman and be accepted for just being myself that way, a normal male who chooses to dress like a woman once in awhile.
It was never my choice, never my decision.
I am the wife of a man just
I am the wife of a man just as you describe yourself...intelligent, college grad, completely "normal" and somewhat macho. I found out - and discussed it with him; and as you said, purged his garments...only to get more at times. I have now discovered his answer to an ad discussing meeting with someone else involved in this. I'm in shock - frightened, and know that when I ask him about it, he will be embarrassed and admit to answering "out of curiosity" but didn't really go meet anyone. I have no proof; I also no longer have any trust. What can you tell me? What advice can you give me?
The things that do not kill you make you stronger
"The things that do not kill you make you stronger," one of my peers told me that long ago...in an after action debriefing.
You can apply that to your marriage. This can make your marriage much stronger - if it does not cause a divorce.
I do not know you nor your husband, I can only speak for myself. I know if my wife found out it would start off the same, her convincing me to never do that again - which would just drive me further underground.
Meeting someone else? If it were me it would be to get dressed. This is the purpose of going to support groups like KB, to be dressed as a female for once a month. It is not for sex, nor to meet someone to fool around with or anything more than getting dressed as a woman.
90% plus Cross dressers are Hetro. Moreso than the statistical average married man, CD's are faithful. My wife occasionally suspects I fool around because sometimes there were gaps in her knowing where I was, when I was secretly in a warehouse storage room I rented so I could be dressed occasionally. But I have never broken my wedding vows.
I cannot predict what is ahead for you and your husband.
I can tell you a fantasy most married CD's have: Is a wife who will love her husband and HELP him to dress - do makeup, look correct with choices of clothes etc. There are a few, not many, wives who go to Kappa Beta (CD support group) with their husbands. They are rare - like diamonds. One couple has an agreement - they have had a tough time adjusting - they both go to KB once a month, and she helps him to dress, cosmetics and more. Then he agrees that it will be only once a month that he dresses. That is a true compromise - she would rather he not dress at all, and he would like to dress much more often - but their marriage survives.
I would be happy as a pig in mud if my wife were that way, but truth is such a woman is rare - most CD's are divorced - unless like me, they have been extremely cautious in avoiding disclosure.
In summary, if your husband is like me he is: hetro, faithful, and really has no choice about cross dressing - he is hard wired that way.
An idea for discussing with your husband:
1) pick a church you both like and go together as often as possible. It is something you both share and away from everything else in life that is a distraction.
2) set aside the time and place you two can have a secret conversation - just you two with no distractions or disruptions, like your bedroom - after church with nothing scheduled for the rest of the day.
A fantasy I have had: my wife gives me a gift box in the privacy of our bedroom - a skirt. This starts the conversation off with the hope I can CD and still have her love....you can make that a reality for your husband.
However you chose to start the conversation....please make these points to start off with - write them down if you are very nervous -
A)we are a couple no matter what.
B) we can talk honestly to each other about this aspect.
C) if we are honest and faithful to each other we can learn to adjust our lifestyles so we can both continue in a loving relationship we both want.
caveat: do not ever mention or hint to anyone else about this secret between you and your husband. You will meet other wives at support groups - they will be your only safe audience.
caveat: I use the 200 mile rule, any support group contact is at least 200 miles from my home area.
If you keep this secret between the both of you - only - I believe you will have a better than average marriage.
I believe if your husband agrees to stay 'underground' from the rest of the world, your family, friends, your work areas - just everyone - then you two will have a much better chance at surviving as a couple. Society is brutal with CD disclosures. Children disown their father, siblings won't speak, job goes away, and friends disappear.
I pray for your success. You have a chance to make your husbands life - and yours - a wonderful partnership.
It is not going to be easy....be flexible have patience...and keep going to that church together every week..
Pati
PS: google TRI ESS - a nationwide support organization for Cross Dressers. They will have sites where you can go online for support - for yourself. Wives of CD's supporting each other will be more than willing to help you through this - and will have a woman's perspective.
PPS the words in bold and highlighted are done by this web site not me.
HARD WIRED my ASS!
research is now indicating that there is no such thing as being "hard wired" for gender i.d.
C'MON!!!this is soo obvious otherwise how is it that so many of us talk @ our g-identity being on a continuum,in a state of flux always developing??
gender identity develops over time and the messages we recieve about gender and sexuality when VERY young are often just out of reach of our ordinary day-waking conciousness.... the transgendered folks ive known .. (myself included) who have been brave enuf to explore this have found the answers to their gender bending lie in their earliest memories about fathers, mothers,men,womyn,genitalia,roles&clothing etc.
it doesnt really take"bravery" to give in to an obsession...what shows actual courage is to truly explore in areas where the authentic frontier lies..... in between our own ears and in the truth of our deepest darkest hearts...many of us have had an inkling of this all along ....but the current climate of being politically "inoffensive" to gender differences is the easy way out. I find it appalling that so many therapists just sign off allowing so many brothers and sisters to chop off beautiful innocent body parts that they HATE ...the more appropriate route would to be "FIND OUT WHY there is so much genital self loathing in that person & help to HEAL THOSE SAD LOST PARTS OF THE SELF" MEN... love your penis...dont chop it off ...WOMYN love your breasts and vaginas ,do NOT MUTILATE THEM!!!!many of us have had to learn the HARD WAY........... a year in therapy is actually laughable as a requirement for SRS.... it just makes no sense! to be "happy" a person in this situation feels the need to MUTILATE THEIR OWN BODY!!!! i mean if someone said to you that they wanted to chop off bodily parts so they could be an amputated version of say... Queen Elizabeth, you'd slap that individual into psychotherapy so fast. and thyere they'd hopefully have the courage and support until such a time that they no longer wanted to harm their innocent body and were no longer DELUSIONAL.......... THINK ABOUT IT RATIONALLY!!
Hmm
I'd be interested in your "research" because it totally goes against any real scientific research that I have seen. And it goes against what both the American Psychological Association and American Psychiatric Association have stated. It sounds more like the "research" that the Christian Right spout.
Personally, I have, altogether, over 10 years of therapy. None of those therapists were ever able to shake my conviction that I am a woman. Nor have any of my Christian brothers and sisters who love to berate me.
If you will read other parts of this site, I definitely believe that therapy is an important part of transition. So is having friends you can talk with when you are not at the therapist's office. And I agree that one year of therapy is an abolute minimum, which is what the Standards of Care (SOC) call for. The therapist needs at least a year past the end of the "script" that so many of us learn to use in the office.
And, yes, I too have known people who have short-circuited the SOC and later discovered that they made a mistake. That has made me think long and hard about this.
In the end, though, there are some of us who can't "love your penis" because it just doesn't belong there. I do love my breasts, and I'm sure I will love my vagina when I have one. Would you tell someone to love their cleft palate? How about their defective heart valve?
So, it's time for you to be rational. If you went through this and found, one way or another, that the whole process was wrong for you, then perhaps you are lucky that you found out.
Now, before you come back to my site, please learn to be a bit more civil. It would also be nice if you would learn a bit about proper English.
Thanks for your comment.
Thanks, Pati
You are correct, support groups are important to the crossdresser, whether the spouse participates or not.
I would hope that the wife and husband can both attend and find out more. Fear and ignorance are the real enemies here.
But if the spouse will not attend, please allow the crossdresser that freedom, asking only for fidelity.
Suppression of crossdressing often leads to much worse actions, including suicide and violence.
If you can, and I hope you can, allow him some freedom in this, I believe you will see a new, calmer husband. If you can actually bring yourself to participate, I believe your marriage will blossom in ways few of your friends can imagine.
Please read this article which is written by the wife of a crossdresser. They both attend the support group that Pati mentioned. They have a wonderful marriage (and the husband is one who now does the housework).
Thanks
Thank you for this confirmation. I can honestly say I know of no one who would say that it was a conscious decision. There may be some that I think were "made" this way by others, but it was not something they chose.