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Why It's So Important to Me

Fri, 08/15/2008 - 17:40 — Nancy

I think this was, unfortunately, the last "letter" I wrote to my wife before she died. She had contracted ALS (Lou Gherig's Disease) and died a few weeks after this was written.

As a background, let me explain that we had discussed what would happen to me after she passed away. She knew that dressing would once again be a big part of my life.

I realized and told her that it was pretty important to me that she accept my dressing. She had been moving that way in life but the process would not be able to complete in the normal way. I wanted/needed to know, as the one who had to remain, that I had her acceptance. She wanted to know why it was so important.

We all need to have some investment in us from those in whom we invest so much. We need those persons to bless us with their love as we bless them.

All my life I've felt as though no one could accept me as a whole human being, a worthy person. I don't have "sides" to my personality; I merely have traits that others seem to find odd and repulsive.

Of all the people who've gone through my life, none has ever been as important to me as you have. As I sang that one night, "You Are the Wind Beneath My Wings."

With you I have been more open and straightforward than with everyone else combined. As a result, you are a part of me.

Several years ago I realized how important it was to me to integrate all of me into a single human being. I've been working to integrate myself - shortcomings and all - into the real David. Since you are a part of me, it is important - perhaps critical - that I have your acceptance of the whole me.

Having you be with me dressed in women's [sic] clothes would allow me to try to gain your acceptance of my feminine attributes as well as my masculine ones. You may argue that you already accept those traits, but your fear of what they may lead to tells me that you haven't - at least not completely.

I doubt seriously that I can gain a full integration of myself in the next few months, so my part of the process will have to continue after. I know that you have made major progress over the last several years and were continuing in the right direction. I was lead to believe that you would have time to finish the process without my having to try to speed it up. Unfortunately, that option seems to have been taken from us.

I can only think of one person whose acceptance means so much to me, and that is you. Tolerance from others would be nice and make life a bit easier. But, for me, knowing that you could accept all of me is the most important gift you could ever bestow upon me.